Lately I've been feeling more down than I'd like. Too often I've found myself gripped by fear, by loneliness, or worst, by apathy. Apathy is the worst, because by its nature it foments other problems. There's truth to the phrase 'idle hands are the Devil's tools'. It puts you into a spiral. You feel useless because you aren't working to accomplish anything, and because you've been apathetic about grounding yourself in the Truth, its easier to lose perspective and begin a downward spiral. You suddenly fear the future. You want to do something, but you feel helpless, spawning more apathy. You don't feel like anyone understands, or that anyone cares. You become overly intro or retrospective. You feel more alone. It makes you wonder whats the point. When you try and break out of the apathy by looking at things you can do, you begin to ask yourself 'whats the point?'. You lose perspective further, and then feel like you lose purpose. When that purpose is in and of yourself, well there's your problem.

Its these slow sideways attacks that get me the worst. But God shines through. In our moments of need and helplessness we cry out and He answers. When we seek, we find what we need. He gives us the perspective we need. He gives us the hope we feel like we lost. His is the purpose we're seeking to fulfill our souls.

Me, I've had a lot go on this month. I've been gone 11 out of 22 days (so far). I'm [cautiously] very excited and optimistic about some upcoming opportunities. but at the same time, I worry about how its going to affect my future. I worry about why I'm doing what I'm doing in school (even though I really do love it. It doesn't matter what I choose, I'm going to want to do 20 different things, that's just how I am. I love knowledge. I love learning. I love a variety of skill sets.). I'm dealing with relationships with friends, maintaining, growing, dealing with changes in them, etc.  I'm dealing with the stresses of the season (multiple family members to visit, and balance my time between and maintain proper boundaries of to make sure none are slighted by myself or another). My car is giving me problems. The list goes on.

All these build up against me and distract me from grounding myself daily in God and his goodness and His provision. But he is faithful to remind me in all the little ways. Today, while talking with a good friend, she got called into her boss's office, and through she suddenly feared for her job future when the boss closed the door behind her, she was instead praised and given a good Christmas bonus, right when she needed it most. I found that ill likely be able to take care of the car problems myself for almost nothing as opposed to the $500+ that was looking probable.

He provides. I just need to work harder to be still (weak in myself) and know that HE is God. When I really do, I'm overcome with peace. Peace that I don't have to know the future. I don't need a goal Ive set for myself to specifically work towards to be fulfilled. I need to take a shorter view of time and pursue God daily before anything else, because He is my hope and peace eternal, and nothing I can do or create can replace that.

Be still and know that I am God

Its been a little while since i've posted. I didn't lose interest or material..I got a little busy with school and had trouble focusing on one thing to write about...and before you know it, here we are. However, there have been a few things pop through my mind..so ill share. (Fair warning, i'm very vague on where this post is headed currently, so buckle in and lets see what happens.)

While running (something else ive slacked on :/) I often find myself contemplating. Planning. Creating. This time, I was thinking, "What should I be focusing on. I'm doing Ok in school, where should I be placing my energies to be more productive?". I was slightly worrying about the future..more of which direction to head, what I should be focusing on school wise..and a phrase would keep coming up in my head and giving me peace.

"Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10)

We hear this and we think, "ok, I need to quiet myself and focus on God. I need to not let myself be consumed with my worries, so that I can better listen to Him" which is true. However...theres a deeper meaning.

The Hebrew term is raphah. It has a variety of meanings based on context. In the context used, it means something akin to "to let go" or "to become weak in yourself".

"Be weak in yourself and know that I am God."
"Let it go, and know that I am God."

How much more profound is that when you begin to think in all terms of the word? All of the possible meanings work. They all lead you to where you need to be. You need to be still sometimes. To be still is to forsake all that is going on around you, clouding your mind, keeping you from seeing and hearing God. Let it go despite your fears of doing so. Be weak in yourself  knowing that it is God who grants you strength.

God works best and is glorified most in those who make themselves weak. The more we try and complete in and of ourselves, the further we are from God's heart. Its simple humility vs. pride. If we humble ourselves, and weaken ourselves to let Him shine, He will complete, fulfill, and grow you. If we are proud and demand our own way, we may get it..but fair warning : "History shows again and again how nature points out of the folly of men." (yes, I quoted Blue Oyster Cult).

Me? I pray for God to create in me a clean heart, and to renew a right spirit within me. Because I have a hard time being the kind of humble I need to be. I know I want to be. But I dont always know how to be. That comes from pursuing God. And thats the spirit I pray He will renew within me. Not for me. For Him. Despite me. Despite my shortcomings. Despite my sins. Despite my failures. May I learn to have the right heart that lets God shine and keeps me hidden.