Episode II - Ordinary

I found myself in Durham again this weekend, as I often do, and very much at odds with myself as to whether or not I should leave early. In the end..I'm glad I stayed, for a variety of reasons. I got some good friend time in, the things that were prompting me to consider leaving were naught, and by staying, I heard a great sermon that really spoke to me. It strongly dovetailed the things I had been thinking about lately and gave me a wider view and perspective.


You can listen to it here. "David and the Pasture"
http://www.summitrdu.com/sermons


It really struck me on two fronts...enough that I had to take two separate sets of notes. One of what we were discussing directly, which was similar to the thoughts from my previous post, and the other of ways in which it particularly applied to me, in a variety of ways.

As far as I'm aware, the people who will be reading this, by and large, will have heard the sermon already, and if you haven't, I highly recommend it. I wont rehash the notes from JD, but I will delve a little more into the other set I took, the thoughts and emotions that were evoked Sunday morning.

I am an oldest child. According to Heather Stevenson and her devotion to concept of Birth Order that means I have the following traits :

Compliant Traits
    * People Pleasers
    * Crave Approval
    * Nurturers
    * Caregivers
    * Reliable
    * Conscientious
    * Cooperative
    * Team Players
    * "Grin and bear it" mentality

Aggressive Traits
    * Movers and shakers
    * Natural leaders
    * Perfectionists
    * Driven
    * Conventional
    * Always have things under control
    * Assertive
    * Want things their way

Common Traits
    * Energetic
    * Logical
    * Ambitious
    * Enterprising
    * Scholarly 

She's far too correct on most of these.

In many ways, at different times, they've manifested themselves. Sometimes, I naturally sought the roles. In other ways, they sought me.

JD made mention of a another sermon where the pastor had members of his audience stand as they filled certain criteria common to traits listed above: academic overachievers, sports leaders, those in political office, business executives, etc. After he congratulated them on the work they had accomplished to have achieved..he admonished them to be wary, because those people tend to have a harder time letting God truly move and work in their life, not because they are unbelieving, but because they don't know how to let go.

That's who I am. 

In all honesty, I'm having a difficult time trying to make this a linear line of thought moving towards what I'm trying to say (probably because I'm not entirely sure what I want to say or how to say it yet), so I'll just skip the the crux. Most of you know me enough to fill in the blanks. If there are gaps you want filled in, tell me and ill do my best.

In my 'natural eldest leadership' type personality I apparently exude, I've attempted to not let it be an idol in my life. I want to be humble and give all thanks to God for all traits and blessings He has given me, but where they've been attacking me is not from the front, but from the sides. And that's what this sermon helped illuminate.

I have a desire to excel. I am competitive. This makes me jealous by default. I can't win them all. Other people win sometimes. I love to create and to build, and as a male, I have the need to be recognized and appreciated for these things. This makes me jealous too. On multiple levels. Like these :

• People that create the same things I do and do a better job. (This depresses me)
• People that create similar, but inferior things and receive more praise. (This infuriates me)
• People that create the same or similar things, and receive praise where I receive none. (This frustrates me)

While hopefully (and I work at this, but please tell me if I'm failing) I've managed to prevent myself from turning into Saul and becoming haughty in the blessings God has bestowed, I have let them control my life too much in the ways listed above.

I have the need to be recognized for my achievements. I've let myself need that bolster in self-confidence that comes not only from the job well down, but also from the accolades. I honestly don't want to be praised and glorified..just recognized. And not every time for everything. I'm not trying to be a pharisee making a scene of giving to the poor or praying loudly to be heard or anything of that sort. That I run from. But, I feel the need to maintain an image of sorts. I almost need to be infallible in things I'm 'known' for. I'm finding too much identity in them. If I lose that...I'm just another guy.

But here's what struck me. These are written in my 2nd set of notes from Sunday. Since I wrote them as brief impressions of thought in stride with the sermon..ill re-interpret them for posting here.

• Strong in yourself is weak towards God.
• You cannot attain enough by yourself in your life to fulfill the need to be loved for 'who you are'.
• The need to compete to be best in the eyes of others is an attempt to personally fulfill what only God is able.
• The continued attempt to fulfill yourself is a recipe for continued pain when you don't live up.

What I have to do..what needs to be worked on in me, is to deconstruct, piece at a time, this foundation for future security of me and God intertwined that I've built, and remove the 'me' from it. The 'me' in this has been me relying on what God gave me in ability to create my image and running with it instead of properly submitting it. I've submitted it in intention, but not action. I didn't learn the proper role of patience. I looked too far, ran too fast. I built myself into a place where I needed too much from people to feel validated. A variety of circumstances in the past year have illuminated the various infections of pride in my life and allowed me to bit by bit work on turning them over. I have been working. I have come far. I thank God for that. But the journey is far from over.

Now I have to truly learn the proper role of patience and God's timing. To slow down, hold fast and listen for the still small voice is not an excuse to be lazy. You can be diligent in where you are and let God move in you to bring you to His completion. That's the real test for someone like me. To be able to cast off the illusion of losing ambition, and trust God to fulfill entirely. To not worry about the thoughts of others. To sacrifice self in favor of God.

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(Excerpts from the next post)

Episode III - The Balance of Ambition and Success

In my previous post, I talk a lot about moving away from ambition and slowing down, becoming "ordinary". I don't want this to be confused with giving in, giving up, or anything of the sort. If God has brought you to this point, you are where you need to be. David WAS king after all. He DID kill Goliath. Joseph WAS raised to the 2nd in command over all of Egypt...

What I want to make clear is that the issue of HEART comes first. Man looks on the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart. David, like pretty much all of the greats in the Bible (Save Jesus) was a screw up. But his HEART was right before God, because when he repented, it was true. He wasn't so worked up in maintaining his own image that he let it take over his heart as Saul had. That's why Saul failed. (As a side note, Saul is truly one of the sympathetic characters in the Bible..he was a good man, tall, strong, etc, but I think fully aware of his own shortcomings and afraid of what would happen if he was made King...so he went and hid from it, but was found and made King anyways. Then, once all the pressures came upon him..he became what he feared. And it cost him everything. Its not God's fault..its Israel's for disobeying..but I thought it an interesting aside). David always knew that everything came back to God alone. That's something we all need to live..

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